Funny Employee Evals!

One of the most infuriating and sometimes useless tools known to modern business is the Employee Evaluation report or form. Some use it more often, but these are usually done once a year on or about the employee's anniversary date. As a manager/supervisor/lucky bastard that got the promotion...whatever. You get the honor of sitting down and providing good, honest, unbiased feedback to your employee to coach them along their career path to greatness. But what if the employee sucks...er I mean doesnt meet requirements? What if you could say exactly what it is you feel that employee really needs to hear or know to get them back on track. I'm talking brutally honest feedback that sets said employee back on the road they have so obviously strayed from? I mean a slap-in-the-face, bitch slap wake-up call! Could you? Would you? I know Human Resources wont let you, but if you could?

Well, below are just some examples of good honest, to-the-point feedback comments. Dont you wish HR didnt have to sign off on your next review!


Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity”
“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them”
“This employee should go far, and the sooner the better”
“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together”
“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless”
“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier”
“I would like to go hunting with him sometime”
“He’s been working with glue too much”
“He would argue with a signpost”
“He has knack for making strangers immediately”
“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room”
“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell”
“If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one”
“A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens”
“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it”
“Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it”
“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week”
“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean”
“It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm”
“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled”
“Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes”

And here's more humor from a fellow blooger:
http://polar-digression.blogspot.com/