Morons In Our Midst

Is it just me or is there something (or several things) that occur in your life everyday that lead you to believe that people, not you or me of course, are morons? Even the simplest of directions cause them to panic or worse, convulse! I hear from people throughout the day, every day, that are calling me and knowingly have not followed the protocol spelled out to them so thoroughly as to piss off a seven year old for too much repetition! And how do they start off their message, or worse our conversation (yes, actually talking to a moron is exponentially more painful then listening to a voicemail message), ‘I know I was supposed to…’ or “I realize this isn’t how I was supposed to do this, but…’
Are these the same self-absorbed morons that can’t decide that eating trans fat is bad for you so NYC has to ban it as in cashblog’s article? Or the people that decide not to wear their seatbelt because they wouldn’t be able to get out of their vehicle in an accident or the seatbelt would wrinkle their clothes? Let’s see Mr. Consumer, here are the steps to make sure this process runs smoothly and to ensure that you are satisfied with your experience. ‘Nah, those rules don’t apply to me and if you cant kiss my ass gently, but firmly enough to satisfy me, I’ll complain to your boss and I’ll get what I want anyway.' And that all too often is tue. I'll call it Societal/Customer Dis-Service! Let's face it, the customer is NOT always right!
This friggin society we live in with its 24/7 expectations and entitlement is driving me insane (not literally, but go with me for the sake of this argument)! When I grew up we didn’t expect the local grocery store to be open on Thanksgiving in case we F’d up the turkey so we could get pizza or more booze because your crazy cousin drank it all the night before when everyone was in bed already. I mean, come on, don’t those people have family and lives of their own? Don’t we value our fellow man/woman the same as we value ourselves and/or members of our family? Of course not, because so many people have come to expect -and society, specifically greedy businesses, have not only succumb to their every whim, but have catered to their every desire to the point that when I drive by a convenience store over a holiday I feel badly for those working inside and not being able to spend time with their family and/or friends. Let's face it, our time is valuable and nothing shows another person you care about them quite as much as when you share yours with them!
So in the future, please do yourself a favor and when someone actually takes a few moments of their valuable time to explain something to you so as to make it easier for you in the future, shut your mouth and open yours ears and mind! ‘Nuf said.

Too Lazy to Write My Own...

...but this is funny potty humor from an unknown source! I hope you enjoy!

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office sothe smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff butdoesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do notstop until the full payload has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feetto make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk inand check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leaveand come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. Peoplemay become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into thebathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal orforcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a suddenwave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledgeit. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farterin the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makesboth parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machinegun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. Ifthis should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyonehas left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what justoccurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poohits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has tostink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing theWALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the doorafter you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a veryuncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoidedwith the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proudof it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter thebathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Alwayslook around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who bandtogether to ensure emergency pooing goes off without ncident. Thisgroup can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The ClosetPooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building whereyou can least expect visitors. Try floors that arepredominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of apooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in thecubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of themost shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a pooat work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid alluncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into thebathroom that you are in a cubicle.This can be usedto cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Veryeffective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TurdBurglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove alldoubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave thebathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toiletwater. This is also an embarrassing incident. If youfeel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loudsplashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Tryusing a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Couldspend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting onthe pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on thecrapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty.This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

My Prostate at 40

Let’s see, how to begin this one. Hmmm, um, I’m stumped! See I’ve been searching a lot over the past week or so for websites, articles, etc that speak to or about turning 40 from a man’s viewpoint. I mean, DAMN, there are a ton of sites for you women about this age, but the one’s I’ve found so far for men are mainly doctor related or health related websites telling me to get my prostate checked, or bend over and cough, or some other unpleasantry like that (yeah, may not be a word, but you get my meaning-“Moon River!” Can you name the movie?). I thought for sure I’d type in ‘turning 40’ or ‘my prostate at 40’ and I’d get a veritable cornucopia of hits…NOT! It seems when it comes to crossing off year 39 for us guys, we either just don’t feel the need to talk/write about it or just don’t feel any different than we did at 39. I’m not sure quite yet which is true, but I’m starting to compile my data and I’ll let you know soon.

For now you’ll just have to take solace in the knowledge that on October 28 in history a great many things happened. For instance, did you know the St Louis Gateway Arch is only one year older than me?! I wish as many people had ridden me! But I digress; the Cuban Missile Crisis ended on 1962, the Statue of Liberty was dedicated to the US from France back in 1886 and, if you know me maybe the most fitting is that congress enforced prohibition on that date back in 1919. Oh yea, and Julia Roberts is one year younger than me! Actually I share my birth date with many other people, unfortunately if their names come up on a birthday search it probably means they are more famous or infamous than me so I won’t mention those snapper-heads here!

What I will do though is say that the 40 years I have been here on this earth have been the most amazing, awe inspiring, saddest, joyful, depressing, interesting, boring, and all around up and down days that most of you have had…with the exception of maybe one thing. I won’t wake up the day after my birthday with a friggin hang over!!

What the...?!

As a father of two who takes so much pride in bringing up, nurturing, teaching, learning with and from my children, I am thoroughly disgusted and saddened every day at the news of child abuse all over the world. I know the old adage ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’ is cute and sweet and makes us all feel warm and fuzzy while at the same time providing parents with an excuse to not take on the responsibilities there actions dictate. You create a child, you take care of the child, and when you are old an incapable of taking care of yourself, (hopefully) the child takes care of you. Sounds like a pretty realistic expectation to me, but apparently I am naive.

I just read a story about a mother who slapped her three year old daughter to death and had the audacity to say it was her, the mother, who was abused as her hand hurt or was swollen from the beating. Do what? Now, I’ve never really been a staunch advocate for the death penalty, at least not without due process, but I find it very difficult not to wish the absolute worst scenarios upon anyone who harms a child like this. I’m talking as painful and cruel and unusual as we can possibly come up with kind of torture. If you are a parent or even just a caring member of society you must understand my frustration here. I know, that makes me sound abhorrent or malicious or uncaring, but I just want people to be accountable for their actions. Maybe it is true on some levels that we can rehabilitate some of these people; I have to hope that is true, but if someone is screwed up or mentally unbalanced enough to kill their child and say they were the one abused, I have to ask for the old ‘eye-for-an-eye’ punishment that was and in some countries is still proscribed. And just to clarify, I am not a religious person, I do not practice any form of organized religion, I am not a zealot, but I do meditate. I am just tired of all the crazy and horrible things we do to our children and wanted to put my thoughts out there. Agree or not, please…but please don’t argue with me without a better solution.


See the story here: http://www.newsoftheweird.com/archive/index.html
under headline "Picking on the victim"

Pantene or Clorox?!

Since we were little kids, most of us have loved taking a bath and splashing around! The general fun of getting everything wet; the curtains, the rug, the floor, the walls, your parents was such an innocent and beautiful thing back then. It seems now that our bathing needs are usually, not always mind you (you KNOW what I mean ladies and gentlemen dont make me spell it out here for you. Cum on!), fairly quick endeavors as we need to get to work or dinner or whatever. But we do it. We take hygeine seriously and make sure that we are not stanky and gross for more than a day or so (weekends, mind you, weekends-or vacations maybe).

Well, what would you think if I told you you could bathe or even shower, but NOT cut or wash your hair (or beard for men, please just for men) for 26 years!?!? If you are like me you wouldnt even be able to imagine it, let alone take on that challenge of putritude! Well, I've found someone not only willing to try, but he actually did it! I know...FRIGGIN GROSS! Well if you think the thought of it is gross, check out the link below! Pay particular attention to the article, the baby, and most of all the water!

Bon apetite!


http://weirdasianews.com/2006/10/18/man-how-smelly-will-that-be/

Responsible or accountable?

Webster's defines responsible as "obligated to do or answer for" and the word accountable as "responsible". Now that I've just muddied the waters even more, let me explain where I am going with this. I am responsible for my actions and accountable for the consequences of those actions. Still with me? I hope so, because here is the crux of where I am going today. In the past I wouldve said I had a relapse or messed up or the illness got the best of me, well no more! See, I am a recovering alcoholic and on saturday I CHOSE to have a drink, several in fact. It wasnt any one choice and there was no lapse (except in my judgement). You see, today I found a website that made me stop and think in a whole new way! The movement is called Rational Responsibilty and basically it says that you, or more correctly in this instance, I am responsbile for my actions. Its not the illness and its not a relapse, it is a choice, poor or not to be accountable for what we choose to do.

Now I'm not asking anyone else to understand this, just be open to the idea. Nor am I asking for anyone to feel sorry or badly for me, quite the contrary actually, I would ask each of you that I know for forgiveness with my past actions and that you move forward with me as I continue to make progress. Wait, that's not right either, I made a choice today and that choice is not a one-day-at-a-time choice, but a forever choice. I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND! No more wondering what tomorrow holds, I've decided and that decision is non-negotiable! Get it? I didnt either, but reading and re-reading this philosophy or thought process described in this website is enlightening and I am thankful I found it.

Know that I am only human, but then again, I am human and that means the control is mine!
I am sober and will continue to be...forever more!

A Novel News Idea

It seems when I grew up I always heard my parents explain the evening news programs and their necessity to watch them during my shows in the following manner; ‘We need to stay current on what is going on in the world around us. We want to be informed citizens.’ They would then proceed with watching an hour or so of the local and national news shows. Often my sister and I would watch along with them to help us be better and more informed citizens. So it seems logical to expect that I would do the same when it came to the news and viewing habits of my children; and for a time, it was that way. Recently, however, say in the last five to seven years, the news is no longer a place for families to get their news and information…FAR from it! The news now is in your face, graphic, disturbing, sensationalized, and all too often scary to anyone other than adults (and even then, things are scary around the world to me too!).
My seven year old daughter said to me the other evening after I explained to her that she would need to go read her book in the other room while I got through the headlines of the evening; “Why, Dad? Don’t you want me to be an informed citizen?” Straight from the mouth of babes, huh?! That got me to thinking, why do our news services always feel it necessary to end their broadcasts with ‘good news’? It seems to me that an occasional lead-in story with a happy ending or a cute little animal would serve us all well in this time of terrorists and nuclear testing.
Though I am not so naive as to think for one second that the world my children are growing up in is even close to that of my childhood, it would be nice from time to time to have a throw-back day like they do in sports and find something uplifting to talk about on our news broadcasts and bring back that feeling of family once again.

The PBS!

Today started like every other day, woke up tired and wanting to roll back over. Got in the shower, shaved, got dressed, made lunches for everyone and got on the road. Though the morning did have a feeling like a wind of change was coming my way. I felt that gurgling building up in my duwadinum and was so very grateful not to have had that cup of coffee yet, as traffic was at a virtual stand-still. I was brewing up a monster of a bowl pizza and I was nowhere near a facility and had no intention of dropping trou in the rain!

I drove on and the eminence front seemed to subside for the time being. I listened to the radio and the moment faded into my past. I went into the office and sat down to turn on my computers and just as my arse hit the seat, rrrrrrrgggggggmmmfffff! A huge gas bubble made its presence known! Not that I farted mind you, but I did feel the beast's call! I would have to get up gracefully all the while clenching my arse cheeks together like some sort of glad wrapped day old loaves of bread to keep the menace from visiting too soon!

I got to my throne and none too soon! No sooner had my trousers hit the floor then my body released the most noxious, loud, and bowl drying flatus of my life, but the newly constructed bathroom with nothing on the walls captured and replayed the sonic boom echo at least a time or two more! Ahh, at least I had made it, the worst was over and now was time to just sit back and enjoy the ride. WRONG!
Ever have one of those shits that you think your gonna have to wipe until your arse bleeds and then to your amazement there's nothing there? Even when you wipe a second time to be sure you don’t get monkey butt later, still nothing there? Well, this was NOT one of those times! This was the Holy Grail of arse wiping shits...the dreaded Peanut Butter Shit! I need some friggin Brawny TP to get all this PB smooth crap out of my grommet! WTF?! I nearly broke a sweat trying to get it all off! Then to make matters worse, when I did finally get it all spik-&-span, I sat back down to rest and catch my breath and one lone little nugget jumped out of my ass for good measure! Needless to say, I feel roomier and ready for the world!

Too much Pixie Dust!!

Okay, I try to be an open-minded, easy-going, live-and-let-live kinda guy. I have no issues with the sexual orientation of others. I dont judge them, they dont judge me. Well, I may have just seen the most interesting, yet disturbing website ever! The message this site strives towards is very nice and even 'good' in nature, but the pictures and er...yeah, the pictures are gonna haunt me all day (I hope no longer than that!).
I dont get it! Really, I dont! But that isnt what matters here, this guy loves this and, apparently, LIVES this! I dont want to bash him or read into appearances or nuances that conform to the 'norm' of sociey, but this guy makes it very difficult not to cross that line. Its like Richard Simmons meets Bruce Banner meets Kermit the Frog!
You've gotta check out the links all over this site and you will be astounded. I know I felt really weird with this site up on my screen. Every time someone walked by behind me, I minimized it or opened a new screen over it. Wow, this is a guy with a strong sense of self, no matter how way out or different others think of him.
I was gonna try and be extremely funny here, but once you click the link below, anything I wouldve said here will be forgotten instantly! Think I'm kidding? Go ahead, scroll down and click on this one-of-a-kind link!

http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan/

No jagged edges...PLEASE!

The phrase "Now I've seen everything!" should never be uttered by anyone EVER again!

http://www.dynamic-living.com/self-wipe.htm

And this one takes the "cake"..! OMG!!

http://www.pubdeuce.com/SCP/cakes.htm

Funny Employee Evals!

One of the most infuriating and sometimes useless tools known to modern business is the Employee Evaluation report or form. Some use it more often, but these are usually done once a year on or about the employee's anniversary date. As a manager/supervisor/lucky bastard that got the promotion...whatever. You get the honor of sitting down and providing good, honest, unbiased feedback to your employee to coach them along their career path to greatness. But what if the employee sucks...er I mean doesnt meet requirements? What if you could say exactly what it is you feel that employee really needs to hear or know to get them back on track. I'm talking brutally honest feedback that sets said employee back on the road they have so obviously strayed from? I mean a slap-in-the-face, bitch slap wake-up call! Could you? Would you? I know Human Resources wont let you, but if you could?

Well, below are just some examples of good honest, to-the-point feedback comments. Dont you wish HR didnt have to sign off on your next review!


Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity”
“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them”
“This employee should go far, and the sooner the better”
“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together”
“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless”
“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier”
“I would like to go hunting with him sometime”
“He’s been working with glue too much”
“He would argue with a signpost”
“He has knack for making strangers immediately”
“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room”
“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell”
“If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one”
“A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens”
“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it”
“Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it”
“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week”
“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean”
“It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm”
“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled”
“Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes”

And here's more humor from a fellow blooger:
http://polar-digression.blogspot.com/

Say humana-humana-humana!

The internet is an amazing thing! You can find articles on anything and that's not the really amazing part of it. The most amazing thing is that you can find articles written about people doing, testing, or whatever the craziest theories or studying things that make you stop and scratch your head (the big one. the one on top of your neck. now stop, you know what I'm saying!).
Let's be honest I am a guy and being a guy, I see the word "sex" and it gets my attention. You wanna' advertise something to guys, just add the word sex and you'll corner the market. You want to pay cash, check, or charge for that $10k sweater (sex) ball shaver, sir? SOLD!

It was for this reason I clicked on the link below and was astounded that this was a real study, by real doctors/scientists.
Enjoy!


http://stupac2.blogspot.com/2006/08/sex-in-mri-machine.html

They actually listen to Mom?

As any parent will tell you, children have selective hearing. We say "We should really get little Sally's hearing checked. I call her and call her and she just doesn't respond." While that is a good first step, the truth of the matter is that children push the limits of what they know they should and should not do every day. I know mine do. That's their job! Its natures way of reversing the grecian formula effect and contributing to the trap in the sink with your poor follicles! But in my reading today, I came across an article that I thought for sure was going to be a goof. I was wrong and glad to be so.
I know I often don't hear my alarm clock in the morning, but I would certainly hope I would hear my smoke alarm going off. But what about the kids? Seems there is some testing going on of a new smoke alarm that actually allows the user to record their voice, in this case the Mom's, but presumably, the Dad's too, onto the alarm and when it goes off it plays the recording and children tested are actually listening! What a novel idea, but more important, what a great experiment!
Please stop and take a moment to look over the article below.

http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/news/?id=535228&scid=pcbulletin:20061009:0:0:0#story

Are you Sh*ting Me?

I was gonna call this post Cubicle Flatulence, then I decided to just do a quick web search of that term and I was astonished to see the link I found below!

I'm sure anyone who works in a cublicle (or even office) knows or has felt that incredible need to pass gas, cut the cheese, let one, roll out the SBD, float an air biscuit; but most of us wouldnt think of it. Not so much the sound we worry about (though we've all heard the vibrato of a morning fart!), but the noxious smell that could give us away. I know, I know, its a natural part of life, but I dont think I've ever heard my Mom let one, so it just goes to show that many of us were brought up knowing it wasnt right or acceptable to fart in public, at least not unless you are sure you can get away with it or blame someone else. Plausible gastrointestinal deniability, I think its called!

Well, worry no more! Preseting the new wonder of the office/cubicle "GasBGon"..! You have gotta read this page and check out this product. I just feel awful for the testers that had to be in the room while this product underwent its rigorous testing! Yikes!

Never say, Now I've seen everything, because sure enough, you havent!


http://www.gasbgon.com/

Morning coffee & cake?

You know how sometimes you wake up and just need something out of the ordinary? Well, today is one of those days! Started by thinking something smelled stale in my house and wanted to add some sweetness. What better (other than chocolate chip cookies-ask a realtor) than chocolate cake baking to totally alter your sense of being and self!

I feel badly for our ancestors, from scratch? Who the hell has time for that? Thank goodness for Betty C and D Hines! Put on some Snow Patrol, three eggs, some oil, a good beating and some heat (hmm, sounds a bit kinky, huh?). Half an hour later and all's left is the glazing (kinky-er?) and voila!-instant (not really but what else that tastes this good can you have in a shorter period of time) gratification!

Have my cake and eat it too? Duh? Why the hell else would you go to ALL that trouble!

Peace and chicken grease!
Out!

The BUZZ on Alzheimer's!

What are researchers saying today? Two different reports this week (one to be released in November) are stating that both Marijuana and Red Wine might fight the disease.

The Oct 2 issue of Molecular Pharmaceutics is saying the THC found in marijuana may inhibit an enzyme that is linked with Alzheimer's. Though the article does refute the charge that they are advocating "smoking dope".

The November issue of the FASEB Journal supports moderate red wine intake may also have benefits to those battling the disease.

So lets see, if you can remember how, since you've got the disease, roll a spliff and chase it with some Wild Irish Rose and you'll remember better? Can you say oxymoron!

(Since my last posting of this earlier today, I've found yet another bizzare story about Alzheimer's and drugs! Check out this link: http://www.11alive.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=80225. Damn, have I been alseep lately as I had heard nothing of these things?!)

Cool website link

Found this while trolling today. Pretty cool and esp like the link to famous people's grave site photos! I know that makes me kinda wierd but if you know me, that's not a secret!


http://www.kidinfo.com/American_History/Famous_Historical_People.htm

caution-Foley joke ahead!

Why does Congressman Foley not use bookmarks?
Because he prefers to bend over his pages!! Lol!

Hey now!

Just wanted to throw together a blog of ramblings and other useless information and thoughts. Feel free to add your 2-cents (sorry I dont have change) and babble!